So there’s this whole thing going on right now about #MeToo and Joe Biden. Apparently, he’s totally inappropriately touchy-feely with women. Haven’t read about it? I found this article by Lucy Flores, one of the first women to come forward with a description of how Joe Biden inappropriately touched her, helpful. And honestly, go read it. Flores has been misinterpreted in a million directions, and I am not writing this blog entry about her or Joe Biden.
What I am interested in, though, is where the #MeToo movement goes next. Is the internet going to start equating non-consensual hugging to sexual assault or harassment? Because if I’m reading Flores correctly, her experience went a whole hell of a lot further than just a hug she didn’t want. Yet, the internet is now exploding over the possibility that a high-profile, relatively well-liked politician might be an overly touchy-feely “serial hugger.”
I’m also inspired today by an interview I did with another badass woman who talked to me about the #MeToo movement. She made me feel that actually, this might be the right time to be vocal about my opinions on that, too. So shout out to Anna Barley for the pep talk.
Now, let’s get down to brass tacks fast. Then you can decide if you should stop reading and unsubscribe to my blog now:
I think the #MeToo movement has taken a bad turn.
As a general matter, I think #metoo was a very very good thing for us. We as a society needed a way to make it clear to men and women who were blind to it that sexual assault and sexual harassment still happens. That it happens a lot. That it’s rarer than you’d think not to have a #metoo moment in your past if you are a woman.
#MeToo was vital because it put a spotlight on a major issue that we couldn’t ignore. It made it clear that a very high number of women have experienced unwanted sexual encounters. It made it so that sexual assault and sexual harassment could no longer be swept under the rug. It happens. It happens to good girls and black girls and gay girls and girls who always played it safe. Turns out no one is safe.
But somewhere along the line, #MeToo has become a movement of accusation and victim-labeling rather than a movement of uncovering problems and empowering. To me, that’s a massive massive issue, especially in the age of Twitter when an accusation can spread like fire.
Now, of course, sexual assault and sexual harassment are wrong.
Let me be clear: I think sexual assault and sexual harassment are always wrong. I am a strong proponent of consent. I think it is extremely important that we move from being a society where powerful men can “grab women by the pussy” whenever they want, talk crudely about it, and get away with that, to being a society where powerful persons of all genders talk about women with respect and understand that the simple condition of being a woman does not automatically imply consent to be touched. The fact that I have boobs doesn’t mean you get to grab them. You need my permission for that first. That’s all there is to that.
Also, for the women who were afraid to say out loud that they were sexually assaulted or harassed, for women who weren’t believed, for women who were told they were sluts for being sexually assaulted, for women who were forced to endure things they never should have been forced to endure, for those who had to stay silent about it for years: I am really grateful that #MeToo has given you a voice and a space to finally speak with about your pain. Tell your story. Let it out. We all deserve the right to be heard.
Just…now we need to think about the “wrong” side, too.
The “other” side. Because there are some terrible people out there who need to be called out for terrible things they’ve done. But there are also people who have done terrible things without being terrible people. They were stupid. They were ignorant. They aren’t victims, but they were stuck just as much in a culture of sexual aggression as their victim.
We certainly need to create change in that space. We need people who are less stupid, ignorant and stuck. The trouble is that the conversation we’re having right now has become a finger-pointing conversation where it needs to become a teaching conversation. Finger pointing may shift blame and feel justified. Maybe it even IS justified sometimes. But it rarely teaches empathy, compassion, or good communication skills. That is a huge issue for us if we want #MeToo to mean something.
Guess what? Punishment doesn’t always lead to change.
The segment of the population that needs to learn how to be respectful isn’t going to learn it from accusation. It won’t help for a woman to say, “Bob touched me inappropriately fifteen years ago, he obviously doesn’t know he’s done something wrong, he is a pig because of that, and now he needs to apologize and make changes exactly the way I want him to or Twitter will make his life miserable.” That doesn’t lead to understanding or respect. It leads to fear of being accused of something you didn’t know was wrong. Has fear ever been a helpful driving force for change? Or maybe more accurately: when white privileged men are afraid of something that might hurt them, has that ever led to them having more respect for the thing they’re afraid of? It’s certainly not the thing that happens most often.
Is backlash coming?
If we keep going down a path of accusation without space for teaching and respectful reformation, then I think we are headed toward a serious backlash. To go back to the serial hugger issue as an example, what happens as #MeToo takes on the issue of non-consensual hugging? Have we thought this through rationally? I grew up in Michigan. I would put money on the bet that 80% of Michiganders alive today have at least one aunt or grandma or female friend who hugs too much.
So how exactly are we going to handle it when someone points a finger at an elementary school teacher who hugged her students forty years ago? Was she inappropriately touchy-feely? Is she a monster? Should we ruin her career for it? Her family life? And I’m not saying this is what is happening to Joe Biden because I don’t think he’s being accused of just hugging. But I don’t think we are doing a good job looking at gray areas. Unwanted hugging is for sure on a blurry edge. Is it all wrong? Be careful how you answer. Whatever standard applies to men must apply to women, too.
Other unwanted repercussions?
What about dating and flirting? I write romance, and I gotta tell you, a romance writer can turn a single touch to the back of the hand into a sensation-packed explosion of lust. And in a dating context, lines blur really fast. Is that a bad thing? I don’t know. I think violence is a bad thing. Entitlement, lack of consent or mutual respect, and rude behavior are all bad things. But I’m not sure it’s a bad thing that we don’t always know in the dating context exactly what the other person is thinking.
We’re humans. A lot of us like the chase and also like being pursued, and both those things can happen in a way that is totally acceptable. However, if we create a culture of accusation, what are we teaching young men about what they can and can’t do when they date? Do they need a verbal “it’s okay” to touch the back of a girl’s hand? Wasn’t that sort of move scary enough before #MeToo got ahold of it?
Do we want #nonconsensualflirting?
And no, I’m not talking about butt smacking. A hand touch between two people of equal status isn’t the same as your boss grabbing your boob. But I can see where this would be confusing for people, because, again, blurry lines. And seriously, do we want it ALL to have to be perfectly, verbally consensual? After all, wasn’t it also always kind of amazing when the guy took a chance on a “move”? How many women have never experienced the thrill of having a man they’re attracted to take a risk with a touch, a caress, a kiss? Do we want to ban men and women from ever making that first move? I don’t think so.
Still…how will it change romance and flirting if we make men afraid of ever touching a woman? If they know their lives can be ruined decades from now because they took a risk on the wrong someone? Because she turned out to be the person who would keep quiet for years before bringing out the story of the one time he got drunk at a party and put his hand on the small of her back, just a little too close to her ass to be appropriate, and whispered, “Hey, want to come back to my room?”
(I get glib for a moment)
If #MeToo doesn’t transform, then we better teach our boys NEVER to touch girls, because that shit’s dangerous. (And make sure to tell your inappropriately touchy-feely aunt that she better start apologizing to everyone she ever hugged. Winter is coming.)
Yeah, yeah, I probably took that too far. But I do think that these are the things that white privileged men think about. They see crazy feminists making unreasonable demands that they can’t possibly meet. Also, I absolutely believe that most of the men who’ve been accused of sexual assault or harassment had it coming. They don’t need anyone protecting them. But we are at a critical point on the path of accusation. We MUST figure out how to make it so that as victims keeping talking, the “blamed” don’t just shut down and tune out.
And now that we have power, we have a choice.
Do we need to persecute everyone who has ever guessed wrong about what their date really wants? Or do we need a safe place where both the person who made the move and the one who didn’t like it can talk about that experience and why it was bad? Do we seriously need to tell all our overly-huggy relatives to start practicing their apologies? Or do we as a society need to learn that we have been doing some things that have promoted sexual assault and harassment without realizing it was happening?
It is time to turn this conversation into a two-way street. I don’t want to shut down anyone who has a story to tell. But we do think we need to recognize that when it comes to these blurry edges, there are stories on both sides of the line. The girl who didn’t feel she could say “no” needs to tell her story. The guy who later felt confused about why she didn’t enjoy it needs to be able to speak, too. The hugger who feels affection is only human needs a safe space to talk. So does the person who doesn’t like being hugged. And it would be better to teach those people how to communicate and respect each other than how to blame each other for being who they are.
So let’s make this a teaching moment.
And why not? Why can’t we move that way? When a young man inappropriately touches a young woman, can’t we take that as an opportunity to talk to them both? To teach the young woman to stand up for herself and say “no”? To teach the young man to respect “no” as a boundary? To teach them both how they can use communication, both verbal and non-verbal, to tell the other what they do and do not need? And can we empower victims to speak up about their stories and also empower people who have unintentionally victimized others to find ways to apologize and move on with grace on both sides?
Let’s keep #MeToo the movement it needs to be toward social change. Speak up for yourself. Learn what you can do to create change. But give grace to people who want to be part of the change. And that goes for all of us–the victims and the accused–because it is time to come back together and create a world we can all live safely in.
